At age 66, South Carolina physician Paul Rousseau decided to retire after tending for decades to the suffering of people who were seriously ill or dying. It was a difficult and emotionally fraught transition.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t know what I was going to do, where I was going to go,\u201d he told me, describing a period of crisis that began in 2017.<\/p>\n
Seeking a change of venue, Rousseau moved to the mountains of North Carolina, the start of an extended period of wandering. Soon, a sense of emptiness enveloped him. He had no friends or hobbies \u2014 his work as a doctor had been all-consuming. Former colleagues didn\u2019t get in touch, nor did he reach out.<\/p>\n
His wife had passed away after a painful illness a decade earlier. Rousseau was estranged from one adult daughter and in only occasional contact with another. His isolation mounted as his three dogs, his most reliable companions, died.<\/p>\n
Rousseau was completely alone \u2014 without friends, family, or a professional identity \u2014 and overcome by a sense of loss.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was a somewhat distinguished physician with a 60-page resume,\u201d Rousseau, now 73, wrote in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society in May. \u201cNow, I\u2019m \u2018no one,\u2019 a retired, forgotten old man who dithers away the days.\u201d<\/p>\n
In some ways, older men living alone are disadvantaged compared with older women in similar circumstances. Research shows that men tend to have fewer friends than women and be less inclined to make new friends. Often, they\u2019re reluctant to ask for help.<\/p>\n
\u201cMen have a harder time being connected and reaching out,\u201d said Robert Waldinger<\/a>, a psychiatrist who directs the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has traced the arc of hundreds of men\u2019s lives over a span of more than eight decades. The men in the study who fared the worst, Waldinger said, \u201cdidn\u2019t have friendships and things they were interested in \u2014 and couldn\u2019t find them.\u201d He recommends that men invest in their \u201csocial fitness\u201d in addition to their physical fitness to ensure they have satisfying social interactions.<\/p>\n Slightly more than 1 in every 5 men ages 65 to 74 live alone, according to 2022 Census Bureau data<\/a>. That rises to nearly 1 in 4 for those 75 or older. Nearly 40% of these men are divorced, 31% are widowed, and 21% never married.<\/p>\n That\u2019s a significant change from 2000, when only 1 in 6 older men lived by themselves. Longer life spans for men and rising divorce<\/a> rates are contributing to the trend. It\u2019s difficult to find information about this group \u2014 which is dwarfed by the number of women who live alone \u2014 because it hasn\u2019t been studied in depth. But psychologists and psychiatrists say these older men can be quite vulnerable.<\/p>\n When men are widowed, their health and well-being tend to decline more than women\u2019s.<\/p>\n \u201cOlder men have a tendency to ruminate, to get into our heads with worries and fears and to feel more lonely and isolated,\u201d said Jed Diamond, 80, a therapist and the author of \u201cSurviving Male Menopause<\/a>\u201d and \u201cThe Irritable Male Syndrome<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n \t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n \t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n Add in the decline of civic institutions where men used to congregate \u2014 think of the Elks or the Shriners \u2014 and older men\u2019s reduced ability to participate in athletic activities, and the result is a lack of stimulation and the loss of a sense of belonging.<\/p>\n Depression can ensue, fueling excessive alcohol use, accidents, or, in the most extreme cases, suicide. Of all age groups in the United States, men over age 75 have the highest suicide rate<\/a>, by far.<\/p>\n For this column, I spoke at length to several older men who live alone. All but two (who\u2019d been divorced) were widowed. Their experiences don\u2019t represent all men who live alone. But still, they\u2019re revealing.<\/p>\n The first person I called was Art Koff, 88, of Chicago, a longtime marketing executive I\u2019d known for several years. When I reached out in January, I learned that Koff\u2019s wife, Norma, had died the year before, leaving him hobbled by grief. Uninterested in eating and beset by unremitting loneliness, Koff lost 45 pounds.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve had a long and wonderful life, and I have lots of family and lots of friends who are terrific,\u201d Koff told me. But now, he said, \u201cnothing is of interest to me any longer.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not happy living this life,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n Nine days later, I learned that Koff had died. His nephew, Alexander Koff, said he had passed out and was gone within a day. The death certificate cited \u201cend stage protein calorie malnutrition\u201d as the cause.<\/p>\n The transition from being coupled to being single can be profoundly disorienting for older men. Lodovico Balducci, 80, was married to his wife, Claudia, for 52 years before she died in October 2023. Balducci, a renowned physician known as the \u201cpatriarch of geriatric oncology,\u201d wrote about his emotional reaction<\/a> in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, likening Claudia\u2019s death to an \u201camputation.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI find myself talking to her all the time, most of the time in my head,\u201d Balducci told me in a phone conversation. When I asked him whom he confides in, he admitted, \u201cMaybe I don\u2019t have any close friends.\u201d<\/p>\n Disoriented and disorganized since Claudia died, he said his \u201canxiety has exploded.\u201d<\/p>\n We spoke in late February. Two weeks later, Balducci moved from Tampa to New Orleans, to be near his son and daughter-in-law and their two teenagers.<\/p>\n \u201cI am planning to help as much as possible with my grandchildren,\u201d he said. \u201cLife has to go on.\u201d<\/p>\n Verne Ostrander, a carpenter in the small town of Willits, California, about 140 miles north of San Francisco, was reflective when I spoke with him, also in late February. His second wife, Cindy Morninglight, died four years ago after a long battle with cancer.<\/p>\n \u201cHere I am, almost 80 years old \u2014 alone,\u201d Ostrander said. \u201cWho would have guessed?\u201d<\/p>\n When Ostrander isn\u2019t painting watercolors, composing music, or playing guitar, \u201cI fall into this lonely state, and I cry quite a bit,\u201d he told me. \u201cI don\u2019t ignore those feelings. I let myself feel them. It\u2019s like therapy.\u201d<\/p>\n Ostrander has lived in Willits for nearly 50 years and belongs to a men\u2019s group and a couples\u2019 group that\u2019s been meeting for 20 years. He\u2019s in remarkably good health and in close touch with his three adult children, who live within easy driving distance.<\/p>\n \u201cThe hard part of living alone is missing Cindy,\u201d he told me. \u201cThe good part is the freedom to do whatever I want. My goal is to live another 20 to 30 years and become a better artist and get to know my kids when they get older.\u201d<\/p>\n The Rev. Johnny Walker, 76, lives in a low-income apartment building in a financially challenged neighborhood on Chicago\u2019s West Side. Twice divorced, he\u2019s been on his own for five years. He, too, has close family connections. At least one of his several children and grandchildren checks in on him every day.<\/p>\n Walker says he had a life-changing religious conversion in 1993. Since then, he has depended on his faith and his church for a sense of meaning and community.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not hard being alone,\u201d Walker said when I asked whether he was lonely. \u201cI accept Christ in my life, and he said that he would never leave us or forsake us. When I wake up in the morning, that\u2019s a new blessing. I just thank God that he has brought me this far.\u201d<\/p>\n Waldinger recommended that men \u201cmake an effort every day to be in touch with people. Find what you love \u2014 golf, gardening, birdwatching, pickleball, working on a political campaign \u2014 and pursue it,\u201d he said. \u201cPut yourself in a situation where you\u2019re going to see the same people over and over again. Because that\u2019s the most natural way conversations get struck up and friendships start to develop.\u201d<\/p>\n Rousseau, the retired South Carolina doctor, said he doesn\u2019t think about the future much. After feeling lost for several years, he moved across the country to Jackson, Wyoming, in the summer of 2023. He embraced solitude, choosing a remarkably isolated spot to live \u2014 a 150-square-foot cabin with no running water and no bathroom, surrounded by 25,000 undeveloped acres of public and privately owned land.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, I\u2019m still lonely, but the nature and the beauty here totally changed me and focused me on what\u2019s really important,\u201d he told me, describing a feeling of redemption in his solitude.<\/p>\n Rousseau realizes that the death of his parents and a very close friend in his childhood left him with a sense of loss that he kept at bay for most of his life. Now, he said, rather than denying his vulnerability, he\u2019s trying to live with it. \u201cThere\u2019s only so long you can put off dealing with all the things you\u2019re trying to escape from.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s not the life he envisioned, but it\u2019s one that fits him, Rousseau said. He stays busy with volunteer activities \u2014 cleaning tanks and running tours at Jackson\u2019s fish hatchery, serving as a part-time park ranger, and maintaining trails in nearby national forests. Those activities put him in touch with other people, mostly strangers, only intermittently.<\/p>\n What will happen to him when this way of living is no longer possible?<\/p>\n \u201cI wish I had an answer, but I don\u2019t,\u201d Rousseau said. \u201cI don\u2019t see my daughters taking care of me. As far as someone else, I don\u2019t think there\u2019s anyone else who\u2019s going to help me.\u201d<\/p>\n We\u2019re eager to hear from readers about questions you\u2019d like answered, problems you\u2019ve been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. 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